Boredom and Boundaries
They start earlier than you might think.
Both have profound effects on our children, as well as ourselves as parents/caregivers, and we need them early and often.
It’s not new information that in this day in age that families are battling how to balance the use of screens with children – children are more occupied than ever before. It is more common than not to see a child on a phone at a restaurant, in the grocery store, in a waiting room, etc.
What are we taking away when we give this constant entertainment? Is life constantly entertaining for you? It’s not for me and it’s full of things I don’t necessarily want to do. I don’t want to go to dentist, or pay bills, or go for a run. What are we taking away from them when they do have constant entertainment or rely on it to get through their day? Children are learning how to function in this life – is childhood and early adult life not about finding your place in this world, building who you will be, seeking interests, making mistakes, chasing ideas that may flourish or may not? This isn’t coming from a place of judgement but wonder. I am like everyone else: I reach for my phone when I’m sitting in line, or when I’m in a waiting room too. It’s a habit I am trying to minimize, but it feels like society as a whole is upping the ante so to speak regarding screen presence either as examples for our children or through direct access.
It’s impossible to keep our children occupied and stimulated constantly not to mention exhausting. Furthermore, what are we taking away from them when they do have constant entertainment or rely on it to get through their day?
I thought about my own kids and this idea of boredom. They don’t ask my husband and I to play much with them. I think, by now, they expect the answer to be no. That might sound harsh, but we have built out other areas of connection with our children. We read nightly as a family; we go on after dinner walks/bike rides. We are present and available during meal times.
We also don’t have a T.V. in our home and we are about 99% screen free at the moment. They never ask to see our phones or to watch a show. They do; however, hear other children talk about it. They will come home and draw a “movie” on a piece of paper, tape it on their wall and lay back and look at their picture while telling us they are watching a show. I digress.
I wish their imagination would lead them somewhere else and, majority of the time, it does but I am working to instill in them that boredom comes just before creativity and I’m glad I can say I still experience that as an adult. Therefore, I set the example. I push myself out of my comfort. I devote time to learning something new. I read a book, start a small garden (that has failed multiple times but yet I keep trying), or learn a skill like sewing – if you’re reading this Mom, yes I know, I still don’t have my stitches down yet.
As I pondered all of this, I started to think how early it all starts. Creating children who can stand to be bored, entertain themselves, or engage in independent play in another room without their parent starts much earlier than I think most realize. It feels like sometimes people get wrapped up in the idea that it’s not okay for them to be bored and, from right out the gate, work to fill their child’s time or prepare some type of learning opportunity. How quickly it spirals into more entertainment with less opportunity for play.
Let me just preface this example with I don’t think you are a bad parent if you have done this – I don’t even pretend to say I have never done this. I simply want to share it with other’s so that maybe you feel less pressured or rushed to “fix” right away.
Your infant is laying on the ground. They have a few manipulatives set around them. They are rolling from side to side and start to reach for a nearby rattle. Your child is focused, has their eye on that rattle, is arching their back to reach for it, tiny fingers stretched out maybe a grunt or two and they finally wrap their tiny fingers around the rattle. Success is theirs. They immediately bring it to their mouth then pull it away and gaze at it, completely mesmerized that they accomplished this task. Meanwhile, you are watching, so proud they did it and probably realizing how quickly they are growing and changing. But then, their concentration breaks for a moment, and they drop the rattle and it’s now lying right next to their cheek.
Your instinct might be to come in, pick that rattle up right away and hand it back to them. I’m not saying never do this – I’m suggesting a pause. Maybe they let go of it and want to move on to something else. Maybe they saw a light reflection and focused on that instead. Maybe they felt like moving their body in another direction. Even if they do start to fuss – they simply could be startled. My suggestion would be that you validate and not fix. You see, this small moment is when self-initiative, problem solving, learning about the world and their place in it –is where it all begins.
I could overthink every situation, of course, because I find it truly fascinating how capable infants actually are and how much we seem to have forgotten that. However, I’m reminded of Magda Gerber’s advice: observe first, wait and wait some more. You don’t need to hand the rattle back; your infant is so capable when they have time and space to engage their environment and themselves in their own way. Their motivation is intrinsic – they naturally seek wonder and exploration – and this is true of your 2-year-old, 6-year-old and 10-year-old. They are made to wonder and explore.
If you occupy their time, when will they get the chance? If you fix every inconvenience, how will they know how to manage them in the future. If your focus is to make sure they never experience discomfort, challenges or hardships, how will they navigate them in adulthood or won’t they? These are the questions that keep coming back to me.
And if your still reading – onto boundaries.
They too start earlier than you might think.
I think it’s important to remember to combine them with communication earlier than you might think also. They can, if you allow it, be a moment of connection. Another example:
Your newborn is crying and you know they are probably hungry. You are holding them in your arms, but that is making you more flustered as your try to prepare to either nurse or bottle feed. So, you take a breath, you gently lay them down, even if they are crying and tell them: “I’m going to get ready to feed you., I hear that you are crying and I’ll be back once I’m all set.”
Yes, they are still going to cry but if you continue this communication – they begin to not only expect it they rely on it and begin to trust it.
Boundaries are you telling another person what you are going to do– not what you want them to do.
Fast forward to a 6-month-old:
Your child is experimenting with hair pulling and the cause and effect that goes along with that. In my experience, sometimes a parent/caregiver has a hard time creating or holding a boundary because they are fearful that it might subtract in some way a moment for connection, a moment to be playful or present. Yes – you run the chance that your child will get upset. You gently but firmly say “Ouch. I don’t want you to pull my hair, that’s hurts.” They do it again. “Oh, I’m going to put you down – that hurts when you pull my hair.” They might get upset and you can sit alongside them while still being present. You don’t have to engage muchand then when it passes you can move on.
I don’t subscribe to the “tell them what they can do” all the time. I think it depends on the situation and the child - this tactic should be used sporadically and only when it makes sense. I wouldn’t hand a child something they can pull in this moment. I would just wait and then redirect.
Now let’s fast forward to a 4-year-old – I’m in the trenches of this phase right now. We are deep in an aggressive phase: hitting before we can even attempt at communicating.
More often than not, when I come to intervene, it is a moment of connection that my child needs more than anything else.
I’m learning (always learning) that right now there is a subtle relationship shift happening. My children’s sibling relationship is evolving and they are both finding their new roles. One child is learning how to speak up and learning that pushing buttons quietly gets a big reaction from my 4-year-old which incites the explosive behavior. While, my 4-year-old is also in the midst of gaining social skills, sharing play ideas and building relationships with others. When I dive deeper, I hear more of what is happening but the boundary still doesn’t change. “I cannot let you hit anyone. I’m going to hold you in my lap while we calm down and then we can think of what to do next.”
It is a slow process and some days feel like it’s not working at all. When we pause to think about all the development stages our children are going through while expecting them to manage/regulate all those intense and often new emotions (something even adults have a hard time with) it puts it into perspective just how out of touch that really is.
What I’m observing is that he wants to stay in my lap for a bit longer. That connection time is also fueling him and as we’ve been working on this (which feels like a few months), I’m noticing that his communication and ability to regulate – to hear me and readjust – is shifting.
Boundaries are hard. I have a feeling they will get harder, but the foundation is so important.
Boundaries work best when paired with connection. We are modeling how to regulate and how to communicate our own needs.
I’ll leave you with this Janet Lansbury quote: “When boundaries work, children don’t need to test them as often. They trust their parents and caregivers; therefore, their world.”